Prioritizing Pity Parties:

 You can hear them holler from the hallway. The corner of your lip tugs right into place and your eyes tinged in just the right amount of increasing trepidation and arrogance to mark you as a high-schooler. You weave your way to your class praying that no one will notice you while hoping that someone will. You close your eyes and think of your room, with its familiar mingled scent of sweat and perfume and the posters from countless bands lining the walls. The thought gives you strength as you mentally calculate the hours that remain before you’re free to be there- but more importantly to be the person you can only be within the secure confines of isolation. It’s the version of yourself you like the most. It’s a version that you’re unwilling to share with anyone else.

(I'm exactly that level of graceful.)

 You enter your class and see them. Sitting in a tightly knit circle and drawing looks of envy from everyone nearby. You make your way towards them and the circles inches imperceptibly to let you in. You nod your head once in greeting and stifle your disappointment when none of them respond.

  But you've been here for years now and you know how it unfolds.Every second a calculation, every reaction significant enough to ensue a war.

You survey the players.

You gauge the risk.

You confirm the referee’s absence.

You play your next move.

(Here we go again.)

  This is the moment you spent the entire weekend anticipating. The moment when they turn towards you and the feeling that accompanies being acknowledged fills you.

The briefest reprieve from freedom.

The bliss of being accounted for.

A moment of being visible and seen and understood.

A moment in which you’re grateful for having a say in something.

You watch as the cadence of your voice grants you full attention and you feel this insane feeling of pride well up within you, awe at the raw power your words possess to raise your status considerably.

  The moment passes, and you have no idea where you started. Your head feels heavy, your heart slow and your eyes too dry. You clear your parched throat whilst receiving soothing words and softly uttered obscenities against your self-imposed ordeal.

The worst part?

Your little pity party didn't help.

(And then, and then he did not even apologize!
*cue dramatic gasp*)

You’re surrounded by people who understand you. Do they though?

 How can someone understand you when they haven’t had the chance to meet the real you? How can you expect a relation to last when it was built upon a version of you that you despise the most? How do you always end up here at the end of the day? Imploring eyes subconsciously begging for attention, hitched voice weaving through exaggerated lies to convince your fellows of your victimization? 

(And then she legit shoved me out of my chair
 and i fell down the entire flight of stairs
and cut my arm across this glass shard
because I'd broken this window when I fell.)

  You think there is something wrong with you for not feeling at peace. Little do you know that it’s the only thing right about you.

  First mistake? You call them your friends.

These people who spare a moment to share your grievances are the best thing you've ever had. At least they don’t constantly point out flaws in you as your parents do. At least they don’t run away at the first trace of a call as your siblings do.At least they let you be and don’t demand you to do better like your teachers do.

 That should be a relief. Then why is it not?

 Because you see the facade for what it really is.

  You don’t need to call your friend thrice before she picks up. You don’t have to keep complimenting her on her fashion taste for your friendship to last. You don’t have to justify yourself whenever she feels insecure about her relationships.

   But more importantly you don’t have to wear a mask. You shouldn't have to create stories to gain her attention. You shouldn't have to tag along with her just because you’re afraid of being lonely.You shouldn't have to hate the people she hates to have a stable friendship. You shouldn't have to hesitate before telling her when she is at fault.

But you do all of these things. Don’t we all?

  While it is true that spending idyllic picnics at gardens whilst contemplating the meaning of life cannot be a preferable past time for today’s teenager , the fear that grows to encompass the fragility of your friendship and the cold that surrounds you isn't the perfect indication of your so-called “lifelong commitment”.

  It is no secret that we always find friends in times of pain. However the best relationships can be forged in pain but need more important things to grow. Factors like trusting each other with our true selves, of not being afraid to admit our fault, of occasionally refraining from comparing whose life is harder. Factors I find missing in every relation that has falsely been labeled as “friendship”.

  And here is where we err. We provide pain as a constant to our bonds and expect them to pay us with joy in turn. We water them with tears and blood and then are disappointed when they don’t live up to our expectations. We spend all of our precious seconds together constantly wallowing in self-pity and convincing our mates that we deserve their sympathy.

In the end that’s all we get. Sympathy from our friends because that’s what we always ask for.

(And i just don't get why everyone hates me!
*sobs for an eternity*)

When we get angry at them for correcting our morals we deprive ourselves of advice.

When we store our pain for our pillows and mask our bleeding smile with a convincing laugh we deprive ourselves of understanding and trust.

When we hide our weakness and showcase our pseudo strength we deprive ourselves of love.

When we wear a mask for fear of being declared an outcast and group up with people who are better suited for our social status that our heart’s voice, we deprive ourselves of friends.

  So when you start on a rant next time ask yourself how much of it is just to gain attention. Then ask yourself why you are sparing time for a person whose attention you need  to gain thorough lies and deceit.

Ask yourself if you’re truly making friends or just prioritizing pity parties.